he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
fuck off i hope your children turn out to be republicans
I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
he had a sign stolen from the tennis court hanging above his bed that said, "please limit play to one hour while others are waiting"
It's my birthday, I plan on masturbating and boating, maybe even masturbate on the boat.
My life has become a never ending game of 'illegal or just frowned upon?'
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
i wish his balls had a scratch and sniff sticker elsewhere so i would know before i even went down there
Some guy thought i was the waitress and handed me his credit card. drinks on me.
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
Need. Hospital. Physically am floating.
When we pulled over so you could pee, you made us stand over you and "make a roof"
Put my boyfriend in a chastity cage while he was passed out last night. Now I control his orgasms.
It’s amazing such a big dick belongs to such a boring guy
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