I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
road dome is illegal, just asked in driving school.
dude she snuck out while I was still sleeping then was banging on the door 10 minutes later cuz her car was brokedown. how was I suppose to recognize her??
I put the condom across her upper lip. It was like a mustache of a job well done.
told our landlord the hole in the wall was from your head during drunk sex..
how did he take it?
not as well as i would have thought
I feel like his penis would have a weird haircut because he does.
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
I put chex mix in your purse for when you get hungry while doing your walk of shame tomorrow!
Do the molecules within bourbon change when mixed with a cola to form a superior liquid treat?
Haha ohman remember when I peed in your blender? Gotta love college.
YOU DID WHAT???
I wiped my ass with some girl's sock, I would honestly admit if I hate Caitlin's sandwich.
The day I let him eat me out will be the day that Donald trump is an honest, kind, non-bigoted member of society
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
I wish there were more things in this world as wonderful as string cheese
Surriously
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
Randomize
