Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
we were playing true or dare on a webcam chat and i was way to drunk ...i ended up having to drink my own piss outta a beer bottle, life couldnt get any worse right now
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
just paid a stripper to have a minute conversation about the arizona game WTF
reason #14 for loving my boobs...just got out of a 40mph over the limit speeding ticket thru a work zone. i dont think the cop knew i even had a face
So if we break up over this are you still gonna come over and do my dishes?
Bookstore boy and I went out, he came back here and I tried to fool around and he respects me too much blah blah I'm a predator.
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
You distracted them by dancing on the stripper pole, I ripped the flag off the wall, stuffed it in my pants and we were out.
By the power invested in me, I now pronounce your taco to be meaty. Meaty taco meaty taco meaty meaty meaty taco.
The extent of "getting it in" was this creepy guy sticking his finger in my bellybutton
I think the paper my teacher just handed back to me had one of his pubes on it, I'm way too hungover for this
Did we really just set fireworks off in a cemetery? Or was that a dream?
I think so and I think we were sober.
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
Idk what I'm more afraid of...checking my bank account or my STD results.
Randomize
