i just saw an asian skipping down the street and it made me think of you
On my way, I hope you have alcohol for me to blame stuff on...
you just stared at your feet and said some shit about the molecules dancing and how you had just solved physics.
Great, now justin bieber is gonna sing a song about chile
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
I have a theory he's part Neanderthal
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
He slapped my ass and his clap-on light turned on.
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
Was I just dreaming, or was there a corpse at work last night?
She was just sleeping.
Is it bad that I'm kind of disappointed by that?
Just saw a car towing a guy on skis drive by so that’s how Syracuse is doing today.
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
Randomize
