Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
If i have to listen to his problems about his girlfriend, he should at least let me suck his cock.
she takes plan B like it's going out of style
You kept calling me your small dog last night.
just heard some guy walking down the street say "butt sex in the sun"
go get him tiger.
FYI angry masturbation is not as cool angry sex
my shower just felt like jesus cried on me. like he shed tears just for my shower.
Also you were throwing your phone yelling this is durable as shit
if that's jizz on my steering wheel i'm gonna be pissed...and impressed.
I woke up with a piece of pizza duct taped too my hand and a paragraph written on my chest. Good night is say
How much did you drink?
Enough to be hungover and still think roller coasters were a good idea
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
My eczema on my back is flaring up so he rubbed coconut oil on it while we were boning down. If that's not a picture of 8 years married I dunno what is.
Kinda thinking about going to my moms wedding high
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