Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
everything was going good until you started showing off the pictures of poop you took with your phone
It's 9:30am and I've already blown three loads. Reason #101 I love 25 year old girls.
and then they started calling me 'Shitshow Shandra', which apparently i took as a compliment.
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
my professor saw me buying beer for the super bowl and said go patriots. thats how i know im getting an A in his class.
I'll reiterate. Best drinking game ever. I shall teach it to my children's children
I got up before the sun today. That makes me sun for the day.
When did you start smoking in order to be high by 4:30?
He asked me if the reason I slept around is because I grew up in a broken home. I am so done fucking Christians.
I can't tell if the dead thing in the yard is a deer or the guy I slept with last night...
Again. I'm very sorry I tried to poke your eye out. You've been aware of my inability to aim since day one.
Thou shall not get drunk and hit bitch cup in pong and take shirt off while wearing a see-through lace bra again
Sorry for peeing on you and your bed last night.
Could someone explain to me why there were 40 individually wrapped burritos in the fridge when I woke up this morning?
I just saw a guy walking down the street without a shirt on and holding a samari sword....
Randomize
