Buying weed on Christmas. Gotta love Jewish drug dealers
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
I think im drinking tonight later on...which is good cuz i walked pass the liquor aisle the other day and i swear i heard a kid call me a pussy
You three are like the Bermuda Triangle for morals.
I stole another quarter from the bathroom. I'm slowly getting rich drinking here.
At least now when I say "never again" the likelihood is that it won't actually happen again the next weekend...that my friend is called growth
OMG. Dad just threw a 100 dollar bill down on the table for a girl to lift her shirt. I think he was kidding, but...
Fuck off I wasn't that drunk. I was still able to toss froot loops in the air and catch them in my mouth.
And in your bra. It was quite entertaining.
idk wtf was in that bud but I was talking to my dead dog last night bro holy shit
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
He asked if I could not say his name during sex cause he liked the girl in the apartment above me.
when i saw him today i think my vagina did the equivalent of a stomach growl... its been to long
Very mixed signals tonight. He gave me the best handjob while gloating about the Superbowl to his dad on the phone. When he was done he left me on the sofa alone for ten minutes before returning with wet wipes beer and nachos.
Randomize
