they just dont make restraining orders like they used to.
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
Everything that you guys said happened came back to me. like a tidal wave of regret.
And you just kept trying to fit through the dog door and not drop Jello shots.
So here i am dipping ice cream in my vodka and watching the bad girls club on demand. This is not ok
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
Pride is not for the college student young Padawan. Tequila is for the college student.
There's a man with a stuffed dog and a can of dog food on the L. Should I break it to him?
Best not to. Some people need their delusions.
How do we have all these hot friends who we never do body shots off of
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
one of my coworkers asked me if I was PMSing today...... excuse me sir, but it is none of your business as to what my uterus is or is not doing right now. fucker.
and yea, I'm PMSing.
He told me he would make me come so hard I would throw up. I'm actually horrified that he thinks that's something any person would want
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