i bet even starving children in Africa take the crust off their poptarts
You know its going to be a good homecoming when you beer bong a mimosa at 6am.
I hated hipsters before it was mainstream.
I feel as if I owe my bloodstream some tequila.
the owner gave me a free bottle of vodka and a 12pack of red bull if i agreed to leave. my drunken antics are finally paying off.
I'm home and safer than post-menopausal sex; you're welcome for the image. And yes, I did just use a semi-colon hammered.
Dude in front of me just jumped out of line at Starbucks to go puke. Vegas in prime form.
I just need three more girls to complete my 'Freak-a-leak' bang list. Know any girls named Zahra, Shavon, or Daronda?
Yeah. Not my best idea. But I'm hoping for the best . And by best, I mean not jail
Look. I've got things to do today.. Will you hurry up and come over so I can give you some head and get my day started already
Outside
Just discovered i ordered the nhl center ice package back in september, the operator said there was a note next to the time I called, indicating I may have been intoxicated while calling (no clue why but it was noted)...meaning I was drunk...meaning ill never miss another sabres game...i love me and am beaming with self pride
We met some guy at the beach, and dug a hole with him. He invited us to "come back at night and smoke a blunt in this hole"
When did i become the Rickety Cricket of my own life?
Is it too soon for me to wonder what sex with him would be like?
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
Randomize
