I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
A. What the fuck are period panties? B. Don't ever wear them around me... or bears.
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
we bribed her with croutons and jello shots.
That's right. If she can't abide by the rules then she gets booted. It's like survivor booty call edition
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
those were not strange pants with a really large waist band...it took me 3 days to realize I was wearing someone's sweater as pants
Sadly, she's the porn star that got away
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
Just got tinder matched with my COMM TA. Game on.
I feel sorry for the person who's phone number is 704-1776 cause from now on I'm giving that number to every guy I never wanna talk to again. Happy Independence Day
I'm just impressed that you can puke without losing your gum
He's ruined me. Do you know how frustrating it is to know I'll never find another guy as tall and handsome and rich with as big of lips & booty, and cock as him who also rims and takes me on tropical vacations and buys me all the cocaine.
You know its a good night when ur woken up by the bartender asking you how he ended up at your house
Randomize
