3.50 mugs at the bar.
Nah man, im with an ugly chick. Im waiting til everyone's drunk enough tonight, they don't notice.
How ugly, and does she have friends?
She said so on her MySpace, so it's gotta be true.
i think the world will end when pigs can fly. think about it, everyone says blah blah when pigs fly. so shit would be going down if they ever can.
oh fuck your right
i just got a fart via voicenote. blackberry has officially changed history.
And then the lady sheeps would bring me the finest grass to eat cuz im the sheep king and id have sexy smooth sheep fur
Around noon tomorrow come looking for me. I'll be on Mill wearing whatever clothes I haven't lost yet. DO NOT REPLY. DO NOT ASK QUESTIONS. JUST DO IT.
Ugh. my cast still smells like fermenting hot tub water and bad decisions.
He sent me a Microsoft outlook meeting request to blow him in the storage room at work. I had to accept.
she visited to give me a bj between clients. Social work at its finest.
Like sorry you chose to have an attractive girlfriend dude
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
Drunk text the hot guy two doors down confessing my love for him.... He gave me a thank you card today.
If sleeping with your boss doesnt scream job security i dont know what does.
Randomize
