So I don't have any furniture but we just skateboard drunk around the floor.
i told her my name was noah and she leans in and whispers "that makes me so wet." ive never been more thankful for the Notebook
so i just drove past a racoon and a kid on a long board... god i love 4am white castle runs
Oh shit. Easter I forgot. Maybe we should leave the illegal stuff for when Jesus is less present.
i woke up wearing her shoes. this night isn't going on my highlight reel
drunk enough to drink jager bombs out of a bowl on the kitchen floor.
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
What? My family got wasted on patron and I threw up on my pants and said it was gravy. Hot mess.
No I just rolled on the floor giggling. I think that's the equivalent to a post sex victory dance.
You're the only one to love me enough for me to admit the following: Rock-bottom sounds like sobbing to a Miley Cyrus song.
THEY DIDN'T THROW MY PORN AWAY!!!!
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
WHY IS THERE A GOLD FISH IN MY BONG??
I wish he’d realize all I want is dick. He’s my boytoy. He’s a stunt cock. \n\nCome over, fuck me silly, eat some leftovers, fuck me again, then go back to the frat house
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