Do you ever think God made girls unattractive around their periods as a warning?
They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
Getting 10 cents back for every can is really just encouraging alcoholism.
I just want to have weird supply closet sex with him... and then I'll be all set. Fired, but all set.
I gave up yolo and cigarettes for lent. I owe god a sincere apology.
the evidence from last night is not good...
what evidence?
my underwear is on inside out, and there are french fries in my hair...
I don't mean to insult you, but did you leave your training bra in my bedroom last night?
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
She gave me a job then fed me cheesecake in bed. She's a keeper!
Just had a flashback of scottish man yellin' at my face. What the fuck I did?
He woke me up at 6:30 to have sex again and afterwards, he didn't even judge me when I asked him if he wanted some rum. I think I found my soulmate.
This may sound strange but do you have my pants?
You tried to trade them for some girls skirt... So she has them...
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
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