Omg alex and i were cooking weiners on a campfire and a bear came and i am waayyy too high for this
not only did i climb through the window at 4 am but here i am 4 hours later for my interview at the mall and i'm staring in the dark pet store barking at puppies
They past out watching a re-run of the 1984 presidential debate on cspan
its preseason football. its like non alcoholic beer. who gives a fuck
You wouldn't know anything about the tooth on ice in my freezer would you?
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
Gin and redbull in a wine glass. They think I'm keeping my wits with a really yellow Chardonnay. Gonna get ugly after a couple.
I wasn't a groupie because I didn't carry his guitar home
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
Wanna get mid day margaritas tomorrow if I'm still alive
Just had sex in the room next to my parents. Heading back to school ASAP.
you know your booty call is really trying when he offers to pay the toll for the bridge you have to cross to get to his house
Apparently i'm now known as the kid who was double fisting tequila and pedialyte.
Randomize
