I just put my retainer in and it tastes like weed
even iPhones love lady gaga. everytime I type haha it trys to correct it to gaga. this is bullshit...
Shaving your vagina at 8 months pregnant is not an easy chore.
I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
Awkward interaction of the day: Staring at some guy trying out if he is or is not the guy that woke me up yesterday by getting arrested in front of my apartment.
someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
as I was walking out the door her and her roommate started singing "toot it and boot it".. I'm in love
So howd u manage to get high at a one year olds birthday anyway?
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
I'm not saying you did or didn't sleep with him but he's has your thong hanging from his ceiling fan
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
Church parking lot, park bench, front porch. I think she's more comfortable going down on me in public. May have found the one.
I woke up to Elf. I don't know which one of you put that in my DVD player when I passed out but I appreciate you.
You know my vagina and my heart have a mind of their own even when it’s pouring snow.
Why is there a mildly painful bruise on my back?
You slipped off the sink last night.
Why was I on the sink......?
;)
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