also, made friends with this 75 year old millionaire Tony who likes to mosh. Don't ask.
Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
she called my cock the "semen sword" and then we invented a position called excalibur
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
Everything gets a little fuzzy after the flats of jello shots, but I do have a vague recollection of being at the top of a large human pyramid
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
I think I slept in the cheesecake last night. Either that or I had a wet dream. Whatever happened I need to wash my pants.
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
Invited the whole bar back to my place for an after party.....shit got real with everyone seeing dad drink moonshine like a champ.
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
Also bring a pizza or no entry to my vagina OR the fort.
Cheese only
If you magically turned into a tall white gay guy, ignore this message. If not, then I'm sure someone has your fb password.
But on the bright side the arresting officer was just as hot as I remember and I took a pretty okay mugshot.
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