sorry probably not gonna make it :( kinda tied up right now
sad face, r u gay?... wait like really tied up?
:)
Great. There's a birthday party at work today. Now I can stand around and feel uncomfortable for an hour.
Not only is chick snoring like a 48 year old man but she's farting in rhythm
I swallowed your vile semen and you don't know what color my fucking eyes are!?
she was using a pencil to fish crushed adderall out of a plastic bag. it was like a college version of fun dip
This is worse than the time I broke into Subway to steal bread.
We should make a goal to do one active thing a day, even if its like throwing a ball
And by ball i mean playing catch. Beer pong does not count as an activity
Normal vaginal pH: 3.8 to 4.5. Of course it tastes like a 9-volt. I could run a potato clock on that thing.
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
He has what he calls a "Ben Franklin". It's a pubic hairdo based on the man himself; long on the sides and bald in the middle.
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
He seemed genuinely disappointed when I told him I wasn't going to make out with him to Bring Me To Life by Evanescence so I feel like I've pinpointed the breaking point of this relationship
Can you leave her a note saying "did you enjoy watching me fuck your roommate?"
I will.
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
Randomize
