If a man's penis is referred to as "the family jewels" does that make a woman's vagina a jewelry box?
airport. 106 proof japanese liquor. 4 little travel size containers. im proud to be smarter than the average american.
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.
Sending me a thank you card for letting you fuck my sister was completely inappropriate
sitting in my room in a shopping cart. they couldnt get my legs out of the holes. i want breakfast.
I own a halfway home for drunk girls, this is my life
dude my grandma just called my dealer. How does this shit happen to me
Why did I wake up with condoms on all my fingers?
Considering the girl you hooked up with, I'd be concerned about not having one on your penis.
I've now spilled wine and got poptarts all over my cast. So much for my doc taking me seriously...
There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
I feel like him using the excuse "I'm not a fan of lying" to stop me from sleeping around is hypocritical since he's cheating on his wife with me.
On a scale of 1 to shit show you were "i just pissed myself"
Some bitch is passed out in a pool of vomit. Fucking lightweight, it's only 8.30.
Oh, wait.. That's you.
I JUST WANT TO HAVE AWKWARD SEXUAL EXPERIENCES WITH HIM.
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