it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
he literally had a slideshow of all the girls hes had sex with pictures set to american woman
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
in respone to your voicemail you left me on saturday, yes i had gone to bed and no i was not still drinking at 5am
My corndog is like a popsicle of bread. A WHOLE. POPSICLE. OF BREAD.
where did this taco bell managers name tag come from ?
You won’t make it to November. A 21st bday and Halloween in the same night has shitshow/ jail written all over it. So I call dibs on that tall guy
I'm one ex away from doing an entire victory lap of all of the guys I've hooked up with since second semester of freshman year. Single me is scary.
It was dark, she woke me up, gave me a blowjob and then whispered in my ear: do you know who I am?
I just overheard this sorority girl saying "It's like trick or treting but for alcohol and with no costumes." I'm jealous.
If I die, let him know that his penis was the last penis I saw. And I'm happy about that.
I'm high. The text bubbles floating do no justice to the underwater experiences
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
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