The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
I wore my underwear in the shower just in case i passed out and you had to come in and get me
he said i ruined lesbian porn for him
The guy that just projectile vomited over the balcony is now going down to find the pill he just puked up. He said he wasn't about to waste $15.
My neighbor is on the his front porch in a robe dipping a popsicle into what appears to be vodka. I want to be his son.
Freshman Move In Day, its like Christmas in August.
Dude, how the hell did you become an RA?
thank you for reminding me that I stumbled into a public place drunk at 9am wearing a chicks pants.
I tried to say goodbye but you were hugging a trash can and I wasn't sure if you had clothes on
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
So the night ended when we tried making fireworks out of gunpowder and oregano. You can figure out how that went.
It is unclear if my flaming esophagus is hangover induced.
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
Clearly I'm trying to change the world one fuck at a time
you DO IT for the people
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
I was doing good, then they gave me free shots
Randomize
