My room smells like vodka and shame
so i had a choice between studying for my physics test on fluid dynamics or spend the night with my girlfriend. hello doubletasking.
I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
I was debating whether her purse was real then I saw her puke in it.
He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
Has anyone ever told you you're majestic like a sea turtle when you fuck?
And your cock privileges have been revoked.
We literally just Chinese fire drilled so I could give him road head.
Well, we could've been at the bar taking a shot everytime my rash spread. But Noooooo. You had to go out with your non- girlfriend. Lame.
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
I'm over being sad. I'm now onto thinking about all the ways in which he is a total fuckwaste
You were holding onto her boobs like you were adrift at sea and they were the only flotation devices
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
Randomize
