I can't get in trouble, i'm smoking a bong in the office right now
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
Everytime I see a couple on campus walking and holding hands I just want to yell he's gonna lie!
Having a vagina does not stop me from believeing my balls are bigger than yours.
should I tell them that both of them had sex with me last Saturday? it might be a relationship builder type of thing you know?
I didn't have the heart to tell him that the reason my vagina was so "prelubricated" was because I had just had another gentleman caller an hour earlier. So, when he commented about how turned on I appeared, I just went with it.
lets do drugs on my lunch break tomorrow
Do you hit a new low in life when you have to carry around a puke bag in your purse when you're hungover?
Guy fieri is speaking only to me. We make eye contact. My whole body is vibrating. My head is purring. I am literally marbles.
I got a hand job after work. Remember those? From the 90s...
Just puked in a cup. Poured it out the window.
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
Well now you know... If you can get over the awkward... The dick is 10 min away.
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
Randomize
