my night went downhill once I lost my bikershorts. EAWSSSSYY ACCESS
bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
Wow my backseat really seemed a lot bigger when we were 16
so I woke up this morning and on their fridge, the first item on the shopping list was my virginity.
She just ended a sentence with "and he doesn't even mind my herpes..."
The girls we hooked up with were hammered, pushing each other in a shopping cart into the sushi place and through the restaurant... One's a volunteer EMT. God help her patients.
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
WHAT KIND OF DUMPSTER DOESNT HAVE PIZZA IN IT?
The last thing I remember is feeding country fried steak to my best friend in a bubble bath with my bare hands.
You tried to bite my nipple like 3 times
NAh son
Just general bites
He's practically not my boyfriend anymore. So let's go get some glitter, balloons, alcohol and forget this night ever happened.
My horseshoe mustache feels at home at this bar.
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
He fucked me so hard my hair extensions fell out
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