Best look from Detroit today: running across the street with your buttcheeks on display carrying a 40 oz. Or maybe being crazy-pregnant and screaming and slamming a pay phone. Toss up.
she has no idea who harrison ford is.
see that's why i'd never date someone born in the 90s
Passed out for 3 hrs til now to wake up naked on my bed covered with grass from drunk slip and slide I would call that success
Well, my mom brought up me being vague about losing my license and she gave me the intervention look. so i left before they could bring out their heartfelt letters...
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
I knew it was gonna be a rough night when the guys next to us at Relay for Life started shot gunning beers and yelling "This ones for all the hot chicks that went bald because of cancer". It kinda went downhill from there....
She just texted me that she's horny, then started quoted random music, then telling me everything she regrets. I don't think there's enough tequila in the world for me to deal with her...
do you want to shower with me?
only if we can drink the jungle juice while we shower
Let me tell you how my drug dealer wants me to take his girlfriends little sister to jr prom
The world is a different place when I'm actually having sex
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
I can't. I'm going camping this weekend. I do have a life outside of your dick.
When the bouncer wouldn't let you back in you screamed "Authority is not given you to deny the return of the king!" and ran past him.
I'm pretty sure that cute cop drove me home. Especially since I found his card in my purse.
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
Randomize
