How many pudding cups do I have to eat for it to count as dinner?
4.
i just saw a girl w/ a shirt that said "im the single friend." yeah i bet u r. stop wearing shirts like that and that could change.
She said she didn't want to have sex because she was so torn up about "this whole NBC thing."
You handed some guy a spoon you found, he yelled SPOON GAME, and then the two of you spent the next 20 minutes throwing spoons all over the kitchen.
The secrurity code on my debit card is 420, can not lose this card.
did you dip my ponytail in franzia? its the only thing i can think of to explain my hair right now.
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
Are you also wondering how we get home after the party bus?
Home?
You were sitting in the middle of the floor spewing vodka at people proclaiming "I a whale". That drunk.
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
Did he seem like the type of guy that would maybe take weed as payment?
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
Just had a guy try to pull the maraca out of my shirt with his teeth... Wtf
Remind me to talk to you about nipple clamps.
Randomize
