Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
Fuck U Mike is a golden god.
Mike give steph back her phone.
All I can tell you is you will need a rain slicker for tonight's festivities. Any clothes underneath would be highly frowned upon as well.
we were on a sandy mattress. i was wearing a sweatshirt with a poodle on it and eating a whopper jr. i wouldn't have fucked me either.
This is so pathetic it makes me miss snorting lines alone in my room listening to 'one more drink'.
Dude she looks like a female richard gere plus 400 pounds.
I'm drinking with a guy who is a bigger asshole than me. We started a contest.
Definitely broke my toe and messed up my knee walking back. Drink hitch hiking should never happen again.
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
Dude I was tripping acid when she was crying and I literally couldn't defend myself
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
Only thing exciting about him was his dick.
the fact that you beer bonged rum made me so proud, the fact that you threw up an entire footlong tuna melt after... not so much babe
I hate when pretentious people talk bad ab corn dogs
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