I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
in the middle of sex he stopped to tell me that he loved me... then slapped my ass and told me "back to business"... im gonna marry him
We're so high we're finding things in the room to build a submarine with. So far we have two cardboard boxes, a piece of wood, puffy paint, and an empty bottle to use as a periscope.
it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
since we're both too lazy to go to each others house, you drink there, i'll drink here and we'll skype. it's the same thing.
You should get a handy in the street again, just to prove you've still got it.
All I could think about when I saw her was that she could be the mother of my future first round draft picks
im the best fifth wheel. all four of them separately bribed me to never speak of what happened last night
He wanted to drink hypnotic from my butt crack. I need to move out this state.
He's in a nude suit, bald, with a pink headband and a black sharpie streak down his forehead.
My tub is filled with twinkies which would be awesome if they were still wrapped and not floating in a mixture of bath water and what appears to be vomit.
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
tried to make it look like I had been conscious/awake and out all day when I stumbled into cvs at 6pm to buy plan B
update: I failed
You kept ripping all your clothes off and saying, "Let me be free!"
He makes bad life choices and drives a wagon, how is that not my type?
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