you think thats bad? Today I had to pop a zit on my sack.
I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
This is how scared I get when I ride roller coasters. And how scared I was when I had to poop when I had herpes.
Hey I found a place that'll do a hand job for 42 bucks
There is a guy standing at my bar right now wearing an affliction SUIT. I can't wait on him.
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
So getting a bj to I believe I can fly is one of the greatest things ever
I'm on the struggle bus
just ordered a number 1 at a fast food restaurant that doesn't have numbers
Not yoga, whiskey. Totally mis-typed whiskey.
Gay bathhouses. They're actually a thing. So god does exist. And he doesn't hate me as much as you think he does
Also, I called my liver hardcore in front of vet students last night and then wound up having three of them trying to palpate it. So...not saying that again.
I swear if he puts my hand anywhere near his dick tonight I'm "accidentally" leaving all my rings on
i was so unappreciative the bar was giving out sweatbands UNTIL I casually used it during sex.
He was playing minecraft so I took a shower with my vibrator
Never let your siblings swipe right.
Randomize
