Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
Who goes to Church hungover
Those who weren't lucky enough to go still drunk
forecast for tonight is alcohol, low standards and poor decisions.
woke up with 15 BAGS of hot dog buns in my passenger seat... jameson strikes again
Either she got face surgery at midnight, or i need to stop drinking...
I'm pretty sure this isn't my phone, but I do like these nude pics
You weren't just peeing. You were like grinding on it. And you tried to pee in the washing machine first.
woke up holding a soft boiled egg cup and empty bottle of rum. apparently i couldn't find a shot glass
There was a pirates of the caribbean marathon on. No matter how much you like rum, it is NOT possible to outdrink the pirates. They always win.
Ordained minister or not I hereby renounce all moral responsibility for any and all related occurrences
Shirley Temple died. We owe it to her to get dirty shirley wasted.
He started making out with my boobs. I didn't know whether to be proud of my boobs or ashamed of my mouth.
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
336: Dude I lost my.phone Wednesday night at a party and just found it, three days later, on the lacrosse field....what the actual fuck.
Damn that sucks I haven't needed pants the whole time i've been here
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