She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
And my cat won't make me food. She's a bitch
Who is Katie and why do we have her birthday cake?
In that case, I'll try 2 find a date. But my options are AA friends or fuck buddies.
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
I just used an Amazon gift card from a student to order a new vibrator....teacher of the year
Would you paint my ceiling for oral sex?
Omg I just woke up. In the hallway outside my room. I know you had something to do with this
I yelled at your uterus for you.
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
In other news there's 12 shirtless Korean dudes all trying to jump on a tiny little trampoline so that's entertaining
Only you would offer whiskey to a man in liver failure.
Randomize
