the thought of Anne Coulter teabagging Dick Cheney kills me everytime.
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
Hold on there are flying pancakes I can't handle this right now
I asked you how much you drank and you replied with "I don't know what kind of toothpaste I use."
there was 12 of us, girls included, shirtless and wielding swords as we bet on rock paper scissors in the middle of the bar. It was like Cinco de Mayo version of the Deer Hunter
he broke off your car antennae to use as a walking stick before he smoked because he claimed to lack the facial strength needed to open his eyes when he's high
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
She is larger then a hippo. You could cut her open in the middle of a blizzard and crawl in like Luke skywalker. Throw a couch and a tv in there and you're set
Tomorrow may or may not be a problem cause i'll be wonder woman for a halloween party aka i'll be fucked up & try & jump off of shit thinking i can fly
I am literally drinking 7 day old water and looking for snacks in my room so I won't have to go in the hall and see roommate, because we accidentally banged last night. Please bring over some chicken and plan b.
the only reason I'm still sleeping with him is to get the university's secure wifi password
I still can't believe that dog licked my nipple.
I told the cops they couldn't arrest me until they found my shoe. Now I have the grant county cops looking for my heels by the rail road tracks.
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
Didn't think I'd be dancing with the Power Rangers but here I am
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