pretty sure I just motor boated my professor at the drag show
He sent me a video of himself jacking off. I am not kidding.
WTF??? Isn't he married??
Yeah but his wife is at a birthday party and I guess he's bored. LOL
Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
Sorry, can't come over. I have to spend time with my niece. Her Dad ignores her and I don't want her to have male attention issues like you.
and hes going back to rehab like me, so we have common interests
hey im home...im not sure how this mcdonalds got here but whatever im gonna eat it anyway.
Fuck I am starving. I don't think I've eaten in the past two days.
You didnt need to. Gin is like eggs, its a perfectly nutrionally balanced meal.
I'm gonna cougar town the shit out of that prom.
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
Lol, you asked the waitress to box up someone else's discarded food last night
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
I'm putting my hangover kit in my car for the trip to work tomorrow morning. Dedication
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
The closest I'll come to committing is leaving sex toys at their house
WHY THE FUCK DOES RICKY'S BROTHER GET AN ENTIRE POT OF PASTA FOR BEING SHIRTLESS AND ALL I GET IS ARRESTED?!
Randomize