Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
I got wasted for the 1st time and I sat in a fridge for 2 hours and a trash can?
I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
i never thought it was possible to fit gay, redneck and asian into the same sentence before i met you.
and this wasn't even the first one i'd hooked up with
He kept buying me shots of tequila. I decided to just save myself the half hour of toilet hugging and tell him straight up that I intended on sleeping with him. We got Tacos on the way home with all the money we saved.
Fuck you. You would only tell me how to get to your house in Spanish.
this night may include but is not limited to : police encounters, wild animals, stomach pumping, and waking up in a field
So I got drunk last night and attempted to shave a landing strip on my vag. I now have a 8 lane highway on my crotch now. Just looks like a random ass square.
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
I have like three friends I don't have sex with, what did you expect
I got home at 1 am on a weeknight with lube in my hair. I'd say it was a successful first date.
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
Took an adderall for the first time in a few weeks. Spent 45 minutes peeling an orange TO PERFECTION.
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
Randomize
