I heard some girl say 'yeah he mustve been so drunk he kept mumbling and repeating himself'
And I thought
Fuck I do that shit every weekend
Down for casual relationships, more fun than catholic missionary, bring condoms and don't get attached.
Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
We all have a cross to bear. Yours just happens to be attracting gay men.
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
He literally said to me "go ahead and answer that text message while I eat you out"... Maybe I AM the relationship type...
I'm just pissed at the whore who takes over my body when I'm blacked out.
i can feel the knowledge leaking out of my brain
replace it with alcohol - nature abhors a vacuum
First night sober since New Years. I'm not sure what hurts more, the hangover or the credit dread when I find out what the tickets to Bali actually cost.
He had to put the child locks on the windows so you would stop screaming at random boys
I think I died and satan has brought me back to life and I'm paying for my sins with this hangover
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
Left my house last night with a girlfriend, $200 in my wallet, and 10 finger nails. Came home with no girlfriend, an empty wallet, and 9 1/2 finger nails.
Yea, I had a bad night too aha
How did I get up here...did jesus lift me up
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
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