I am so getting Plan B when we get home. Not getting knocked up by a dude with a hair piece.
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
We are so drunk I just let him piss between my legs on the toilet. That's love.
i have to go- we're throwing the dummy from the balcony again
'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"
okay just a general question, but if i got arrested, who here would bail me out. this is important.
About to go out with the girl of my dreams tonight. I am looking at one of her hottest fb pics, to practice not looking at her huge tits.
Kripsy Kremes at our place, bring your own coffee. And your own donuts because these ones are ours.
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
I was going to learn how to knit but I got high instead.
If so I'm coming over there. There's no way I'm having "hello, how are you" conversations with my neighbors on acid
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
Just got a handjob in my psych lecture. You were right, going to class is paying off.
I just used a coke ridden $20 bill to buy Girl Scout cookies
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
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