I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
Puking blue powerade in mcdonalds parking lot to the applause of the guy taking out the trash with man in the mirror blasting in the background. Good morning stl
i've never seen someone fall down the steps so gracefully... i think im in love
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
Drunk wheelbarrow races might make the top 10 list of dumb shit weve done. Especially considering all the broken glass around...
he's doing fine. just headbutted the wall and threw up
They left at like 4. I got up to help clean their house this morning and we found his pants. No ones heard from him, we're all a little scared.
Left and drinking by a bar by myself. Everyone is in pajamas. I'm in a tuxedo. This is my life.
he gifted me a vibrator as he was breaking up with me. you tell me how my night went
Yeah but then I feel like it's worth it like bro you just stabbed me the least you can do is get me a fuckin otter pop.
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
Trump won PA by a fucking landslide. If only Cruz hadn't eaten that booger.
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
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