By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
you thought your balls were fighting each other...
I might lose an organ but I've got booze. I'll be fine.
If you're wondering why you have playpen balls it's because we stopped at chuckie cheese on the way home.
At the drs she looked at my back saw your scratch marks and asked "does your back itch a lot?"
he said he needs a little more pabst, some time to jack off and a sandwich and he'll be ready
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
He's going to find out eventually, but really what's he going to do? Cry about it and buy another fucking kitten??
It's election day and I was just tied up with an American flag scarf
This isn't good. I can't find my mom. This is why we don't give her Fireball.
All I know is if i get a free preview weekend of HBO then I am recording Kindergarten Cop.
Is it possible to hurt your vagina working out, because I think my Dumbass accomplished that... 😯😟😒😓
Do I even want to know?
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