Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
Do you ever think that bumblebee is the gay transformer?
Every day of my life.
an ex called crying about her current BF. convo ended in phone sex. i love emotional wrecks
I couldn't remember if it was hamsters or Iraq that you hated. I'm so sorry.
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
Streaking across a girls college rugby game is probably the best, and most painful, decision I've ever made
I wouldn't blow him for all the queso in the world.
I'd rather blow that homeless guy who asked me to breast feed him.
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
that's where you went wrong. never assume I'm adult enough to do something on my own.
I have the relationship skills of Miley Cyrus and I could've said this was a bad idea
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
i just want a position where we can lock up like some sort of sexual megatron and go the whole night that way
I just want to have sex that doesn't end like a B-rated horror movie.
not sure when or how we ended up at this wedding party but you need to be here they are handing out screwdrivers and Yamakas to everyone and it's a got damn open bar you need to be here now
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
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