Come get meeee. I'm stranded in the middle of no where with Paul (?). I think u puked on his friend.
Definitely locked eyes with the stripper who gave me a lapdance last night as she walked by me and into the Ann Taylor Loft in Times Square.
There is somethin about your sexuality that makes my dick do jumping jacks when I see you
after last nights cooking expirments i have lost all faith in the fire alarm battery
the only muscles i have these days is kegels
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
I used the lotion his mom gave me for christmas to give him a hand job. It felt so wrong.
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
how many lesbians have to have their hearts broken before they realise I am not that kind of DJ
This is irresponsible on your part, leaving me alone in a bar.
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
I told him I wish we were at my house cause then I could tell him to get out after we had sex.
Then James put his arms through the window and grabbed him, like he was Robocop. A nerdy, portly Robocop.
Who is this?
I'm so high right now that I winked back at a character in this TV show.
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
Randomize
