I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
you know what would be great? if dirt tasted like steak and could get you drunk.
tonight i'm making a christmas tree shaped shot pyramid
then the nurse gave me a bag with my personal belongings: phone, wallet. jacket, keys and a BTB burrito
Idk yet. Trying to convince him to get a phoenix bird tattoo first
Apparently unused tampons can also double as things to bite down on during public sex to prevent screaming...
What are you doing St Patricks day? I'm banned from all work parties with open bar ever since the cinco de mayo party that I dumped a drink on my co-workers head and played air guitar on my boss' ankle cast.
It's all fun and games until some random starts jerking it on the deck.
I plan on blacking out and milking a cow
Running my fingers through my hair is like that scene from Patch Adams where the girl goes swimming in a pool of spaghetti. I love molly.
It's the first weekend of the school year and I'm already selling stuff for booze. Need a microwave?
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
I was literally so lonely last night that I stopped watching a video on porn hub and just read the comments
They are in the bedroom next door. We might have a threesome idk. Jesus take the wheel.
GO. DO.
I am Jesus and I am taking the wheel.
Randomize
