Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
beeferoni + vodka = puke stuck in braces.
Just got my cast off. My occupational therapist wants me to self-gratify. My clit is about to have an awesome weekend...
I know she was blacked out, but she looked directly at the toilet and said "we meet again"
I have an odd instinct I wont find my underwear tonight
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
If you see my mugshot on the news tomorrow, its not what you think
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
The police report said that there were 25 cases of bud light, two hookers fighting in the street, 13 cop cars, and two road blocks, a kid got tazered, another got maced, and over a hundred people in the house
So that means its a bad thing that your dad found it huh?
You told her dad that you were gonna "superman that ho" I love the first impressions you make
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
she's just been through a whole lot lately. When the crazy starts leaking out we give her vodka and lock her in the room with all the pillows.
so that's what that room is for...
Just thought you should know I'm having a reunion tour of Athens this weekend. Minus the weird guy I was fucking last time.
He literally just peed in a trash can in our room. It didn't even have a bag in it
I watched one of the videos of you hanging from the rafters, and it is both violent and sexual in nature.
Randomize
