I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
at the resort hottubing with french twins, who brought champange. this should be a postcard.
1 I really miss college walks of shame 2 I think I may have killed this girls cat
They turned the water off again. Brushed my teeth with whats left from those pitchers of mojitos. So hung over i dont even care.
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
He busted his lip while trying to keep from passing out in the pool. The hotel people don't seem to be too concerned that we're passing around a bottle of SoCo at 11 am.
What should we drink tonight, I'm in the mood to be judged
I just want to be able to run around naked and eat grass with no judgments and have people feed me and expect me to sleep all the time.
Pretty sure I used toilet water to wash vomit off my face last night...
It's like sexual waterboarding. You gave me sex so good I'm comparing it to torture. Jesus.
She says the reason I don't talk to her is because I'm "emotionally lazy" what ever that means
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
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