I peed while puking? Even better
Yes you most deff did. Ultimate multi tasker you are
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
the thing I didn't realize I would miss about college is that at home you can't just dismiss your sex bruises as drunk accidents
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
You're fucking beautiful as shit and we should have loving sex...
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
The inside of my nose has felt like the guy's face falling off from raiders of the lost ark all week
I just busted my piggy bank to afford McDonald's. This is my personal cry for help.
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
i just woke up to her giving me a toothy BJ so I had to break into your bedroom and steal about 4 condoms. Sorry for waking you. :(
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
My dick has been in way too much crazy the past 2+weeks, but hey it feels good to fuck consistently again
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
Randomize
