So we were banging and she started puking all over my bed. I'm not sure what's worse, her puking, or that I felt the urge to start singing Flip-adelphia.
My hispanic family watching the world cup is getting too intense for me. a lit candle was just thrown at me because i walked by the tv.
yeah, its right past the deli mart where i showed my right tit for mozzarella sticks.
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
just watched my roommates get stoned and jury rig a pulley system to pass the bowl back and forth across the room.
You passed out while holding my hair during a blow job.. i think your gona have to earn back blow jobs
Codeine + Boredom = Sprinting between my front and back door.
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
I think now I understand why people say my penis is pretty.
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
My exam ends at 4pm so I plan to be passed out in the bar by 5pm. Want to join me?
I have the WORST hangover. Pretty sure my liver fell out while taking a dump. THAT bad.
Maybe? I'm not shaving my pubes for a maybe type of night.
If he wants a future he'd best figure out the calendar function on his phone. If he can invite you to his penis he can invite you to his google cal.
To be honest, I'm more surprised when you're not high at this point
Randomize
