I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
So thats when I found out ur supposed to put the penut butter on your balls not your dogs balls, feels alot better
he asked me if i wanted "a hit" off his inhaler. its definitely time for a new roommate
I don't have enough holes for all these australians
I am literally hand feeding my crying ex boyfriend taco bell. What has my life become?
you cant just puke in an arbys and not order food. thatd be rude.
There's a wake for a coworker on 420 during te time of 420... Hoping everyone will be too sad to notice how high I am.
If we worried less about pouring champagne down stripper crack, we probably wouldn't skip so many meals.
Last two new years I ended in jail by 12. Can we wait until its actually 12:02 this time to do something stupid. I'd like to spend the first minute of 2012 free.. At least.
Found a piece of twizzler in my buttcrack.
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
I knew how blacked out you were when you started doing that thing where you dance around and call yourself the Black Swan.
dude can you explain to me why i woke up on your sisters floor with moutain dew and chips everywhere
i dont know im at your house.
Yeah that was post sex. I was thinking in my mind, no wonder he didnt ask me to call him daddy since he actually is a dad
And my butt misses you like the deserts miss the rain.
Randomize
