I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.
My professors need to stop cancelling class. Bad things happen when I have too much free time on my hands. Bad things.
No, I've only ever seen his brother's dick. So when I have lucid sex dreams, I just do a little cut and paste in my mind and stick his bro's package onto him.
let's just skip the pleasantries and go back to my place for pizza and casual sex
All of a sudden i love everyone. In all their flawed and failing beauty. This is pretty good weed.
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
This is what we get for YOLOing our way to obesity
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog.
Stoner thoughts are the only thoughts I want to have now.
I just peed on myself the semester has officially began.
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
I finally selected an outfit that says "I'm not easy" but still shows off the tittays.
He’s definitely circumcised. There’s not enough room in those speedos for a foreskin with that fire hose he’s packing.
Randomize
