Todays outfit involves shorts with embroidered fish. This kids gonna die.
He asked for his proof of insurance and he pulled out a Magnum by mistake. All of the sudden gignger was looking real good to me.
I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
and then he tried plucking my nose hairs. lines were crossed.
i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
I spent a lot of time in their kitchen cause I was convinced that the living room was gonna fall... Sorry for not warning you about that.
I screamed so bad because I thought he was going for my sandwich forgetting it was in my hand
does the cute hipster in the kitchen belong to you?
if not i want to bang those glasses off his face
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
If there was a category for "most likely to end up a serial killer" in your high school yearbook then I'm sure you would have won it
I am mentally ready for anal.
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
I just fucked her boyfriend. Happy birthday, bitch.
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