apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
He's married, but his wife isn't my neighbor so I don't feel bad about coveting him.
Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand.
I think I should have my paycheck direct deposited to the bar
Ya well my good-girl image was pretty much blown when he found out I'm going to jail soon.
She once gave me sex advice over the phone while intoxicated. So no you don't have the cooler therapist.
Can I please come dance in my bra to destiny's child with you? I'll bring the wine and the glitter
The best of us have puked in our office garbage cans. I just hope yours wasn't the metal mesh kind...and bagless like mine. Rock n roll office manager.
I just got a lecture from your coked out sister about the monetary value of Dothraki hair braids. Take her home.
I'm sorry but if you can talk well enough to critique his oral game, he clearly needs the pointers.
I am so sorry. Not sure for what, but whatever I did last night probably merits an apology, so I'm covering my bases.
He's so sweet...I can't see him enjoying that I got injured during sex.
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
Randomize
