we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
His little brother walked in on us. Six times.
Im sitting alone watching titanic. Drunk. Without pants. Holding a fishing pole. Im pretty sure im okay with all of this.
When they say "all expenses paid" does that include bail?
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
It was just like old times except for going to hangover throw up before waking my parents up to open presents. Merry Christmas!
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
They better not charge my debit card for what you peed on.
I just want a relatively mentally stable guy with tattoos and facial hair that loves Captain America as much as I do and will fuck me the way I deserve to be fucked, is that too much to ask for?
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
Are you opposed to me trying out your penis?
SpongeBob is life. I once broke up with a guy bc he said SpongeBob was stupid.
We've been fucking like crazy ever since she quit her job..ive been running errands all day to stay out of the house and give my dick a day of rest
I hate my life now
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
Randomize
