Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
Is it bad that when I see babies I feel bad for them because its going to be forever until they are 21?
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
every time fb tells me a dude i fucked is now friends with another dude ive fucked, i die a little inside. thats way more honesty than im comfortable with.
Im chasing shots of tequila with chocolate milk right now. by myself. its nasty, but I've had worse in tjere the past couple days, so ill take it.
I bought an american flag today and by god im gonna fuck someone on it
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
I walked by the two of them and mouthed "fuck me" based on there reaction I think they just came in their pants
I really enjoy how cavalier you're being about your chlamydia
Also the fuck cup must be buried with me
I will never look at a penis the same again. After that I will appreciate them so much more than I do. Makes me wanna kiss yours just for being pretty
According to timehop today marks the 3rd anniversary of my 1st blackout
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
i woke up between my boyfriend and his sister and i don't know if we fucked or cried together
Randomize
