This old guy in denny's is sitting alone and he is looking at us and laughing for no reason
hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
just took batteries out of my vibrator to play wii guitar hero. think i am gonna regret that move later tonight.
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
I just saw two girls throwing up in the bathroom. they were high-fiving under the stall...
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
Found out why I didn't have to go drug test. My boss grew pot to pay for grad school.
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
After we were done the second time she turned to me and called me a Hardcore Armadillo. Also, her O face involves crossed eyes. You tell me.
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
I'm just going to eat my milkshake, watch teen wolf, masturbate, and lament my inability to form meaningful relations with men who aren't gay
I don't give a fuck that he's gay and keeps hitting on me. Free cocaine is free cocaine bro
Just ignore the penis. It's won't bother you. I promise.
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
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