you washed your face with toilet water last night.. i tried to stop you but you wouldn't have it.
just apologized to a random stranger while waiting in line for coffee. last night was that drunk
The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
If I say "It's good enough" and I'm not talking about a sandwhich, that's your queue to stop me, you're supposed to be my friend.
The cops caught them pow wowing in the teepee at the entrance of the golf course at 5 am. But were still missing someone.
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
I haven't gone out since the baby was born. If I don't get arrested, in a fight, or both I'm going to be super pissed.
Using a 12 year old as a wingman. Does that make me a bad person?
Just made a memo in my blackberry that contains seth's funeral arrangements. I have a feeling he has big plans for the weekend.
I give up. I can't handle that class sober any longer. I have an army of whiskey shooters for the next three weeks. Wish me luck.
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
Randomize