i love accidental penises.
is it a bad thing if he can only get off when i start talking like one of the girls from Jersey Shore??
I was talking to some girls while you were falling off your bar stool into the person next to you.
When you wake up in your dorm right outside your room with the key in the door, then you will understand my pain.
I know she was blacked out, but she looked directly at the toilet and said "we meet again"
My hanfda are one with the u niverse and I am cirretnly inhaling a couch
Believe it or not I'm actually not the only person sitting in the back of the train covered in glitter and drinking whiskey out of an arizona iced tea can. Small world.
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
College: when you have to set an alarm to start drinking
I don't know if this whole sobriety thing is going to work out... It's only been 3 days and I want to chug vodka
BECAUSE THIS IS AMERICA AND DONUTS AND TITTIES AND ALCOHOL IS WHAT THIS COUNTRY WAS FOUNDED ON
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
Congrats on graduating and I'm in a cab and need someone to helps keeping me up, do you mind
I'm peeing on your house...you up?
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