Spent $1500 on bottle service and have a lump on my head from hitting the nightstand while puking. Excess? Nooo Success.
He asked for his proof of insurance and he pulled out a Magnum by mistake. All of the sudden gignger was looking real good to me.
the line runs infront of fredricks of hollywood. it's like gamestop is showing me how pathetic I am.
I will never underestimate my ability to drunken ramble. At one point last night i think i was talking about hieroglyphics
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
I was literally convinced that the turkey wrap i was eating was keeping me alive. And i couldnt have been happier. That high.
All of the sudden your world had become nothing but the sum of visible dicks. Welcome to life.
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?!
I feel like I shouldn't have to explain to you why giving your cat weed was a bad idea.
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
So both cops helped talk her into coming back into the bar and doing a shot with me. The main argument being, "a bar is no place to be sober!"
i passed out twice in the shower, twice on the bathroom floor, once holding the toilet bowl and 8 times moving from the bathroom to my bed. Tequila sucks.
I am too high to deal with coming home to 11 naked people in my living room
Nah, i wasn't offended. Having a bridesmaid who you had had multiple threesomes with your future husband would be weird.
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