nut hugger
i bet even starving children in Africa take the crust off their poptarts
i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
she gave me one of those friendship bracelets and said as long as I wore it it was like an all-access pass to her vagina
Apparently she was filling Miller Lite bottles with water because I refused to be seen drinking water in a bar
Hardly remember what he looks like and the man has seen me passed out spread eagle. I begin this journey with such a disadvantage.
He had a shameless baby voice when he was talking to my dog. There's no way I'm making it through the night with my clothes on.
I don't know... But I do think this is probably the longest series of texts we've written discussing your cock. David was right, it is a brave new world. Also, slow day at work again?
Please, take the 2 shots of vodka that I left as an apologie.
Just ate a gummy bear I found in my sheets. So yeah, 2013 is SO gonna be my year.
I just pictured my inhibition personified as little pink piggies with wings flying off into the great wide nowhere hahaha
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
I just used a VHS tape as a plate for sanwich
I made out with a guy so that I could get ahead in the bathroom line, totally acceptable
Well my mom knows that the welt I had on my forehead last month was the result of a sex accident. This holiday sucks
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