So we've decided on 'hamburger' as your code for tonight. If you add ketchup or fries, we know the threat level has escalated.
There's a show on bravo about fat people dancing. FAT PEOPLE. DANCING.
This is god's gift to the unemployed.
guess who just trotted in eating her oats and wagging her penis
You're a big dope. Life is about fighting for what you want, not accepting what you hate.
Why does tequilla always make you text me?
two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
I smoked a bowl while he ate me out, you need to change your major to match making asap. You are a guru of love.
She told me about it right after. She said she was scared I would be disappointed. And I was, but I pretended not to be. Which pretty much sums up our relationship.
door buzzer is fixed. took shots with Latvian electrician to celebrate. nice guy. he is gonna bring mixers next time cuz kombucha didn't really cut it for him.
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
All I've been thinking about for the past 12 hours is sex and SEAWORLD
I will show up on your front porch in a wet t shirt and some mac and cheese
Well I'm about 60% wine, 30% pure rage and 10% tears at the moment and I'm disappointed in how little alcohol is in me
I'm just going to take the mature adult root and ignore him for a bit, and then pretend like I didn't see him jerking off.
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
Let's do something tonight. I feel like setting things on fire.
Randomize
