i just realized Britney Spears and I are more alike than I thought. Both of us have our parents in complete control of our lives, we both have restraining orders on previous boyfriends, and we all know both of us can put on a hell of a show
Had a 3 sum last night, and today food just taste better and the air seems so much fresher!
pop tarts are not kleenex
she kicked me out for pissing in the recycling bin. I mean, is it really THAT big of a deal?
You could give me a blowjob later? :)
I meant do something romantic..
Blowjob In the moonlight?
You would be married by May if you put half as much energy into getting straight guys as you do into getting gay guys
dont worry it didnt get any better. she locked herself in his room and was screaming at the top of her lungs "IM GUNA PEE ON YOUR BED"
He literally had a note from his doctor saying he wasn't allowed to finger me for a week
I haven't gone out since the baby was born. If I don't get arrested, in a fight, or both I'm going to be super pissed.
they asked me about my neuroscience major and I said 'the brain is the outer space of the body' and passed out. it appears my ivy league education is not going to waste
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
I came in like 30 seconds, and my dog got to watch me take the walk of shame to the bathroom to clean up. All in all, not my best performance.
You gotta come over now. He is eating cupcakes while they are still in the foil.
I was very impressed with his ability to carry on a conversation with his friends sitting in the front seat with his hand in my pants, getting a hand job, stoned, with a cigarette in his mouth. I think he's a keeper.
This is the third time this month a guy I’m not dating has dumped me. How is this even possible???
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